This list of bar etiquette was given to me by a fellow restaurant employee. Dave received it via email. It seems the guy who put this list together has spent more than his fair share on both sides of the bar. From all of the times I’ve heard my co-workers behind the bar over the last decade talk about writing a book or telling stories about crazy patrons, this is the best comprehensive list of things that should and shouldn’t be done in a bar that I've seen. Some of you will find it hilarious, all of the restaurant employees will know it’s brutally truthful and some of you will be realizing why it took 30 minutes to get that drink the other night. Bartenders and wait staff alike, please print this and leave it behind your bar as to end all further discrepancies in bar actions. If you have any other suggestions from the restaurant world, login and post those comments.
If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
Always toast before a shot
Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to toast.
Change your toast at least once a month.
Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all of her drinks is dumb.
Never borrow one cigarette from the same person in one night.
When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly- dirty, very dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half and half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beers, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
Do NOT make eye contact with the bartender unless you want a drink.
Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
If they make it too weak, order a double next time. They’ll get the message.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
If you order a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
Always have a corkscrew in your house.
If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
Drink one girly drink in public and you will be forever known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
Never talk to someone in a restroom unless you’re doing the same thing- urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
Girls hang out, apply make-up and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
It is only permissible to shout out ‘Woo-Hoo! If you are doing a shot with four or more people.
If there is a dj, you can request a song once per night. If they don’t play it within half an hour, do not approach them again. If they do play it, do not approach them again.
Learn to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.
If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
If you have been roommates with someone for longer than six months, you may drink all of their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.
You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it were all good times every jackass would be doing it.
If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartenders guide and browse through the drinks you’ve never tried.
Try one new drink each week.
If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. The same goes for them.
Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once they have handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or a cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
If you have ever told a bartender, ‘Hey, it all spends the same.’ You are a cheap ass.
Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, and then blame it on someone else.
Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
It’s okay to drink alone.
After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her baby or darling.
Nothing screams ‘Nancy Boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan on finishing it, don’t accept it.
Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.
Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
If you think you might be slurring a little, you’re slurring a lot. If you think you’re slurring a lot, you’re not speaking English.
Screaming ‘Someone buy me a drink!’ has never worked.
For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance that you will lose.
Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all of his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
If you are broke and a friend is making sport of you, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
Never rest your head on a table or a bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on the chopping block.
If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you are ready for another, always answer yes. Once you fall out of sync, you will end up buying more drinks than him.
If you are going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying’ I’m an idiot.’
Never ask a bartender ‘what’s good tonight?’ They do not fly the scotch in fresh from the coast every morning.
If there is a line for drinks, get your damn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your mothers and fathers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a long night of drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
Never argue your tab at the end of a night. Remember, you are hammered and they are sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you don’t deserve a drink.
Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic and tequila makes you felonious.
The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
Never preface a conversation with a bartender with ‘I know this is going to be a hassle, but…’
When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless, he’s buying.
If you are 86’d, do not return to that bar for three months. To come back sooner means that no other bar wants you.
Anyone with three or more drinks in their hand has the right of way.
If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
There is nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can give. And make sure there’s something in it.
On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
A Few Addendums:
Here’s a few instances that continue to rear their ugly heads. Most of these laws are broken religiously every Friday night at your local watering hole.
When ordering drinks, order them all at the same time. If the bartender comes back with your drinks and you start to order more, you immediately go to the bottom of the totem pole on that round and every subsequent round.
Non-verbal ordering is a great skill. But hey, when you hold up your beer bottle, make sure the bartender can see the label. We are not mind readers.
If you come up to a crowded bar and start stuttering like it’s your first show on Broadway, step back, take a deep breath, rehearse your order and try again.
If you are someone who gets drunk and stares a lot, make sure it’s not at a bartender. It’s one of the quickest ways to get the bouncer to beat your ass.
Don’t EVER (and I mean EVER) yell out a bartender’s name if you don’t know them. If you overhear a friend of the bartender yell their name, that’s one thing. If you do it, forget getting a drink for the next half hour. (Another note here- you’re typically yelling a nickname that only friend’s are allowed to call the bartender. If you use it, there’s a good chance you won’t be drinking at that bar for the rest of the night or the next month.)
If you don’t see taps behinds the bar, where in the hell do you think the taps are? Don’t ask for draft beer.
Nothing screams amateur like ordering a Tequila Sunrise.
If you think it’s cool to show up a bartender if front of a date, go home and drink. The bartender has already done something horrific to your drink and will be promptly sleeping with your date. It’s a peace of mind thing.
The only people who can touch money on the bar top is the bartender. Don’t try and help out, we know our job and how to do it.
People who sit on either end of the bar get the best service.
If you start a tab and the bartender asks your name, they aren’t looking for an entire rundown of your driver’s license info. Shout a last name and move on.
If the bartender tells you you’ve had too much to drink, don’t argue. We make money off of you drinking and if we say it’s time, well then it’s time.
