All of you out there now see why they pay me the big bucks. I write constantly. I produce articles at an alarming rate. I am amongst the people at all given moments, even seconds. Or, I almost get fired because my lack of any drive or direction causes me to become a derelict when turning in articles is concerned. Depending on which of those two versions you believe, you either know me very well or giving me the benefit of the doubt. In either instance, a serious thanks from me to you.
When I was contacted, via a fairly long and rather deliberate email I will add, by one of the cronies at this prestigious online magazine, it was not to find out if I’d fallen in a ditch. They didn’t seem particularly occupied with anything that had been going on in my life. No, they wanted copy. Let me rephrase that, actually. They wanted copy that I’d already been paid to write. So, really a nasty note was about the best I could have hoped for. And, in reality, nothing had really happened, I was just lazy- for about four months. We’ve all been through that. So, after learning of Hunter S Thompson’s death a fortnight ago, I decided to go on a minor bender. It would have classified as a major bender, but two of the ten days I didn’t drink at breakfast, so it didn’t qualify and even if it had, the Russian judge told me afterward that she would have only given me a 4.8, style points included.
As for the last four months, nothing’s really happened with me. How about you, though? What’s been going on with all of you? That’s what I really care about! I did, if anyone cares, get a job at Chili’s as a bus boy for a few days, then the place burnt to the ground. It probably wasn’t my fault, just in case you were wondering. I mean I was a bus boy- how much could I have really done? So, without the first gainful employment I’ve had in some two years, it was back to the PlayStation 2 in the basement of Chateau de Mom et Pop. They love me staying at the house, especially when I’m writing this column. That’s why I try to stay out of their way when I’m on assignment on various couches and floors around the River City. Every so often, though, I’m walking sideways just enough that going home seems like a very good idea. It’s these little soirees that Mom especially loves. See, Mom can come up and yell at me and I’ll try and hide from her and walk into rooms she just walked out of. She likes this. My Dad, on the other hand, likes to get really pissed off by my actions and decides, every time I might add, that he is going to instruct me on the finer points of being a human being. These talks are always fun. When Dad pipes up about the right way to live and how I shouldn’t drink, I always come back with a depressing yet forceful tone and add the classic early ‘90’s line, ‘I learned it from you, Dad.’ Always sets him off. Never has this not gotten a fantastic reaction. I’m going to start recording these little outbursts for a Dad Mix tape 2005. Since I’m back under their surveillance, I’ll have plenty of time to work on new material.
Well, put the women and children to bed, Drunk Week Cheap is back and we’re going to make it look like a hurricane of booze just ran through town. For those of you who are new to this and didn’t see my previous column, the good people at DivingIn2Memphis.com give me $100 to go spend on booze and only booze. I have to get drunk Sunday through Thursday and I can’t spend a damn penny of my own money. Wonderful concept guys, my liver will be sending you the bill in a few weeks!
Sunday night…
Sunday night is my Poker night and I make my home at Newby's on Highland every stinking week. Contributor Ira Lipsey and his people run this little tournament three times every Sunday with games starting at 7pm, 9:30pm and 12:30am for PokerLounge.net. If you’re scoring at home, that’s at least six hours of drinking. This evening kicks the week off with a bang. Normally there is only one reason I would be out for six hours of drinking and that would be because I was awake. Ha! Actually, the only real reason I would be drinking for six hours is if someone had a beer bust happening. For purely monetary reasons, I had to keep the drinking to a (relative) minimum on this eve.
Let’s get into a recap of how I fared in these three tourney’s two weekends ago. In the 7pm tourney, I was primed. I had a few beers and a shot of Jameson over at a friend’s house before I made my way through the Newby’s doors. I was feeling just great and ready to whip some ass. And if you’ve ever gambled, you know how quickly the wind can be taken out of those sails. I played bold, brazen poker. The only problem? I was constantly staring 4’s and 6’s off-suit. All freaking night. I said the word fold more than McGwire said he was not from the past. It was bad. Finally, I decided to go blind all-in with a touch more money than the blind required. Basically, I was sick of playing these cards and was looking forward to the next tourney at 9:30pm. And then I won the hand. And the next. I was starting to feel a little better about my plight when I had a pair of Aces and Queens and the board showed in common. Wait, those are three spades and I just went all in. Uh-Oh. Houston, we have a problem. And the problem won, although it took the guy two full minutes for the rest of the table to explain that he had won.
I made my way over to the bar side of Newby’s and had a shot of Jameson and a beer. After another beer and constant attention to the NCAA brackets, the 9:30pm game was ready to go and I was in.
In the 9:30 game I was seated next to two friends, who after the first friend folded on the first hand, showed his buddy the cards as he laid them down. He was immediately asked to quit doing that. He also quit talking, which was an added bonus. The 9:30 game was one of those games that you get bad cards and decide to play a little conservative to keep yourself from chasing a straight with a 2 and 6 in your pocket. I moved tables- twice actually until I moved to a table where everyone had many more chips than I did. I was already in a major hole. Barkeep, Budweiser please? As I nibbled around a few games and won one pot, I was sitting okay when I finally got something to play. I had three 7’s after the first flop. I decided to go big and my plan worked until the guy next to me called my bet. I was determined to stay in to the finish and he beat me with a 4 on the last flop (aka the river) for an Ace and 4 full house. It was a decent play and I got beat. I addled back to the bar.
There wasn’t much time until the last game started and I was fairly inebriated. I had one more beer and one Jameson’s before the game and ordered a beer as I sat down at my table. I don’t think I even finished the beer before I went all in on a full house, Jacks and 7’s. Unfortunately, there was two pair on the board and the guy across from me had Jacks and 10’s. At this point I was done. Poker is certainly not as much glamour as they make it out to be on TV. When you fold, it becomes as boring as watching paint dry, especially when no money is at stake. But, it’s fun and Ira and the guys called me out as soon as I got knocked out, which is always nice. Anyways, on to the damage….
Spent: $30
Left: $70
Monday night…
While I did drink a decent amount of hooch last night, I felt fairly good the next day. One good came out of the night previous, though, as my Dad is an avid gambler. When I made it to the Casa, Dad woke up and came into the kitchen and to both of our surprise, I wasn’t stinking drunk. We ate some food and talked some Poker. We both agreed that I shouldn’t quit my day job, which under the current circumstances gave both of us a quick chuckle. The next day, I found Gambling for Dummies on my nightstand. Again, I laughed. Before anyone could make their way home from work, I made for the hills. I didn’t need lecturing, I needed drive. I needed to get somewhere where the brain would function at a high rate and the words would flow out of my fingers and on to the typed page. I needed Old Zinnies and I needed it quickly.
Old Zinnies is one of my favorite bars of all-time, whatever that means. It’s a dive bar, but not in that ‘I’m too young and have too many of my teeth to be in here’ type of way. It’s got character that comes from a bar seeing everything that could possibly transpire inside the walls of a liquor serving establishment. The bartenders are classic- they normally have been out too long the night before and are relying on sheer guts and will to make till closing. These are the people that keep me interested. As I sat down with my notebook and a pen, the bartenders knew what was up. Immediately I was greeted with a cold PBR draft to lift my spirits. As I jotted down minor notes, my mind quickly changed gears on me and I was writing a short story about a family from Nebraska who go to New York City just to be on random talk shows. I don’t know if this scenario ever happens, but I’d bet something on it. Hopefully, you’ll be reading that story on this website soon. Although, seeing as my current pace is rather slow, stay tuned sometime in 2007-08. Anyways, after eight beers, six written pages and three baskets of popcorn, I was out and over to the Smit’s house for a late night game of Goldeneye. Yes, the Smit and I still live in the ‘90’s; it’s who we are.
Spent: $21
Left: $49
Tuesday night…
Damn I need to save money. I also don’t need to be sleeping on the Smit’s couch again. Apparently, the Smit resides rather frightingly close to the Taco Bell and we decided it would be best to try and buy them out of Beef MexiMelts the night before. I only know this because of the wrappers, the key to the remembering of the actions of the night before. Thank someone I didn’t decide to go home last night. I made my way back to the Casa and after a little needed cleaning made plans to get to the HiTone for the evening. Reason being, you ask? Five dollar all you can drink PBR draft, I reply. By the time I got there, at 9pm, the music was already booming and the PBR was flowing. I was determined, after looking at the transcripts from last night, to actually get something down on paper this evening.
If I did indeed follow my own directives and write something down from this evening, it’s in the same place as Noah’s Ark. I did find a pen in my pocket, which led me to surmise a bit, but alas, no paper to go with the writing utensil. After at least a dozen draft PBR’s, though, keeping a pen throughout an entire evening was a feat all in itself. As it were, there probably wasn’t much coming out of my skull worth keeping anyways, but the HiTone is always a ton of fun on PBR nights- women dancing to good music, beer flowing from all ends and a general good vibe from everyone. One thing to remember though, just because the beer is five bucks doesn’t mean acceptable tipping is a buck. I see this way too much at beer busts and it’s the reason bars don’t do it more, because employees hate to work those nights. Bring an extra five spot for the tip and you might just get your beer quicker also. (I will now step off my soapbox.)
Spent: $10
Left: $39
Wednesday night…
After last night’s activities, I’m only down a buck in my per diem quest. That’s the good part. The less than good part is that I’m a buck down and I played my trump card last evening on the five-dollar PBR special. When I planned this little adventure, (and yes, I did plan this out) I had the HiTone as the one night I wasn’t going to drop a bunch of cash. Unfortunately, it was the Jameson on Sunday that put me behind schedule. You’ll have that, though, when gaming is involved. Then I had a thought. It was the first thought I’d had in some time, so you see why I remembered it. The thought was Wild Bill’s.
Wild Bill’s is one of those places you need to end up when dancing might be involved. The bar is also somewhere you need to end up if you want to get drunk and Forties are your best option. The latter was my case as dancing is not a forte.
Wild Bill’s is not for the faint of heart, neither in the music nor the insanity that transpires within its’ walls. With the option of bringing your own liquor and purchasing the set-ups to the only other avenue of drinking, the aforementioned Forties (at, I think $3 a pop) route, Wild Bill’s offers a low fare evening of debauchery. Beyond the booze, though, is a great old soul band that performs every night and gets the place rocking. Old men dancing with frat boys dates while the frat boys are dancing with the old man’s dates. It’s truly a surreal environment, made even more surreal by my high intake of beer that night. One of the most enjoyable points in any evening that involves Forties, though, is when you look at a friend and remark how much beer you’ve consumed and the friend turns around and tries to do the math from 12 ounce bottles to Forties. Always high comedy, especially when the toes make an appearance. Anyways, I walked into Wild Bill’s sober and miserable. I walked out of Wild Bill’s some hours later inebriated (Five assorted Forties later) with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
Spent: $18
Left: $21
Thursday night…
And Thursday means…NCAA Tourney Time! Goodbye dreams of finding employment for the next three weeks. Likewise, forget normal interaction with other human beings because I am know going to stare at the TV for the next 12 straight hours. As the day drew on and the first set of games finished up, I was getting very thirsty. As the second games begun I was downright parched and by the time the news came on, I was out the door. While the first round of games gave us less excitement as usual, I’m certain the Tourney will spark up soon. Well, that and the fact that the Tigers are looking like they really did belong in the Tourney. They’re playing great basketball over the past few weeks. At times I think I’m dating a basketball. Mom is fairly certain, too. This is not good.
Out of the house and off to the Brookhaven Pub is what my steering wheel told me. Actually, it was the eyes that directed me to the walls of brand new 50-inch High-Def televisions that the Brookhaven has installed. I know I regaled the Brookhaven Pub in the last column, but now they’ve completely blown every other bar in Memphis away when it comes to watching your favorite teams play. Not only that, but they have MLB Extra Innings this season and wireless Internet. These are important factors, people. A man needs to drink beer, watch baseball and work at the same time; at least this man does. So, I sat and stared at the TV and watched as many games as I could before the brain went into sensory overload and downed eight Budweiser’s in the process. (One large caveat here- The Brookhaven has Restaurant discounts for employees of any restaurants. The price on domestic beer is ridiculously cheap for these people. For the purpose of this exercise, we are going to work under the Restaurant discount prices. Otherwise, the beer is still very inexpensive.)
Spent: $21
Left: $0
