(Apparently I had been drinking or living on another planet when the Grizzlies decided to throw up their 12th stright playoff stinker because this conversation is supposedly draped somewhat in truth. Although Justin refers to many of my ramblings, I don’t remember uttering any of them and really don’t even remember thinking most of this. Regardless, he says it’s false, so we’ll all just have to believe him. Hoy-Hoy!
The Aforementioned ‘Your Editor’.)
So the scene begins a bit like this….
Diggity makes a reference to pre-history: “Look at him, he’s a f**king Neanderthal!” (referring to Dirk Nowitzi) “His eyes are sunken four feet into the back of his head! His forehead makes it seem like he’s wearing a parasol - how does he see? I mean, seriously, how does he see? (It’s important to note Tim’s actually an urban planner, not an anthropologist.)
(Grizz are down 32 only 3 minutes into the 3rd quarter. Tsakalidis - playing point - brings the ball up court like he’s running offstage with Gwar. Jonny’s in the other room refusing to watch.)
Tarzan yells from couch: “Hey Jonny, Jake’s running point. Hernando we’ve found DeSoto ..Hallelujah! We’re saved!”
(Antonio Burks is crushed under the enormity of Tsakalidis’ shadow once he reaches mid-court. Officials can be seen retracting in horror toward the scorers’ table; shards of floor board are striking the eyes of caged horses in Millington; disgruntled postal workers’ arms reach out to sweep young drunken fraternity brothers to their breasts; beer is spilled; Shane Battier gets busy gathering up the small, white ball boys with large orange basketball balls; Jerry Falwell is somewhere else; incidentally, so is Gasol; Jerry West manages to gullet 12 ounces of cheap Aussie shiraz from the adjacent table of an unsuspecting Zoroastrian FedEx exec (who looks oh so confounded) before he notices and smacks away Jerry’s shooting hand….Finally Tsakalidis Himself spontaneously combusts near the 3 point arc and the Mission Impossible theme song dies down.)
Tarzan mumbles: “I can’t believe I just saw that….”
(As if nothing occurred Nowitzki receives an in-bounds pass & shoots a fade-away over Warrick from White Stations’ Spartan Head, which incidentally is not on White Station. It’s on Perkins Ext. Nevertheless, Coach Tippett asks Dirk to take his truck to get him some donuts before the period ends.)
Diggity: “See, the f**king Neanderthal again…. What is it, 35 now?”
(Diggity is furious. Tarzan is mentally agape….Perkins Extended, really?)
Tarzan: “23; they tossed us a dozen for the Tsakalidis explosion.”
Diggity: “Sweeeet!”
(Jonny walks into the room while Tarzan starts another aborted monologue.)
Tarzan: “You’re right, you couldn’t even reach Dirk’s eyes with your fingers.”
We’ll call it Miller, but it wasn’t: “Can’t even give him a Moe.”
Tarzan: “Still, he’s not that ugly. Remember Georges Muresan.”
(Everyone silently nods. We then discuss whether Muresan was the giant in Bigfish, which he clearly was.)
(Beer pause)
Jonny: “I have two words for you: Sam Cassell.”
Tarzan: “Careful, Sam Cassell is the future of the human species. Think about it - gargantuan head, enormous eyes, ears drown out by the natural ocular gravitational pull toward the cranio melon, everything above the shoulders strategically disproportionate to the lower 90% of the body – natural selection. It all makes perfect sense. I can’t wait to see the hats when I’m reincarnated!”
Jonny: “So, we’re all gonna look like Mr. Potato Head. I guess the teeth are the X factor.”
Tarzan: “Strong point. Self-defense. A carnivorous Potato Head.”
Jonny: “No f***ing way! Who the hell’s gonna have sex with the female version of that?”
Tarzan: “You win. The species is doomed.”
(Grizz lose by 44….despite shooting 53% on 9 of 17 from the floor. We’re all enlightened to hear Ernie Johnson mention that the Grizz are a defensive team. Ernie is brilliant. A tragic defeat sees Pau light up his third Galoise since halftime with a piece of flint & another man’s beard; it sees Ed May curled up on the couch uncomfortably close to Jonny; it sees Dirk Nowitzki lurch out of the tiny dressing room to do an interview with his tremendous forehead; it sees many a furrowed brow furrowing deeper into very skinny Budweiser bottles & it sees Jonny expertly direct the remote control toward re-runs of Golden Girls…)
Tarzan: “Alright, you do the math. Dirk’s been in the States 3 or 4 years. Arnold’s been here 35. People all around him speak English, but apparently he’s not having any of it. Instead, Arnie seems content to just mumble & inarticulate his way through political corridors. The name of your capital is not “St. Momento”. Come on; even deaf folks pick up languages quicker. How the F**K did he become Governator?”
(Here’s where politics start.) (Right after beer pauses.)
Jonny: “He’s an ass grabber. Come on, dude, It’s California….”
Tarzan: “Oh yeah….remember Space Shot Jerry (LSD); Willie Brown (Crack); Reagan (…crickets…); guess we’re back to mathematics….”
Jonny: “F**k them. Two more words for you: Gary Condit.”
Ed May (whose ass is now creeping up Jonny’s arm toward his neck, searching for warmth & protection): “Who’s that?” he purrs.
Jonny: “The guy who killed his secretary. (The voice of the masses is unleashed with a little help from Ed) You don’t know where she is, Gary? Really!?! Well I’ll tell you where she is! She’s F***ing DEAD!”
(Needless to say, the conversation trails off from there….)
