While under the complete knowledge that anything Soccer will turn most Americans away quicker than a Courtney Love on-stage photo shoot (or a Pat Summitt cheerleading spread), I am still going to recommend this book to all. Soccer, while a hardcore pastime of mine, has not yet entered that phase of most teenaged and adult Americans. And no, David Beckham isn’t going to change that in the near future. But, as far as comedy goes, this book is a nonstop laugher. And, in the way the English treat their extraordinarily wealthy hero’s, there is also a lesson to be learned by all American sports fans.
Football My Arse is a look at the world of Soccer through fervent Liverpool supporter and noted stage and comedic actor Ricky Tomlinson. Tomlinson’s been a Reds (Liverpool) supporter his entire life and his stories go back to the 1960’s. His knowledge of all things English Premiership (that’s the top division of soccer in England and, to most, the top League in all of the world) borders on ridiculous. Tomlinson can recall just about anything that he has seen from the last forty years and most of his accounts, while historically accurate, also rate off the meters when it comes to hilarity. There are stories of players getting completely drunk and the truly hilarious aftermaths. Stories about certain players and their world-renowned idiocy (thanks again, Becks). And there are stories about some legendary coaches and their, um, trysts. These tales are flanked by two incredible endings to each chapter where Tomlinson inserts the ‘You Gotta Laugh’ segments that deal with the funniest stories and jokes from the Premiership and a quotes section that either leaves you rubbing your head in confused laughter or are just flat out funny in the way a player, announcer or manager states something.
Here’s a few of the quotes:
Paul Gascoigne- “I’ve had fourteen bookings this season- eight of which were my fault, but seven were disputable.” Pg.156
Steven Garrard- “I’ve got a good record there- played one, won one. Hopefully, it will be the same after Saturday.” Pg. 155
Ron “Chopper” Harris- “I was once asked if I kick opponents deliberately. I replied “Only if they get in my way deliberately.” Pg. 31
Martin Chivers- “Our coach Eddie Baily shouts like mad on the touchline, and we can’t hear a thing out in the middle. All you can see is Eddie’s mouth opening and closing, mostly in the F-word shape. It’s like watching Tower Bridge open and close.” Pg. 54
Tommy Docherty- “The ball spent so much time in the air that we didn’t need a referee and two linesman. We needed Air Traffic Control at Heathrow.” Pg. 195
Even if you’re not a fan of The Beautiful Game, Tomlinson needles the soccer establishment with all of these stories and it would be wise for some of the American media to take the same tact rather than punishing guys for their moronic decisions (we’ve all made them) or reacting like the fabric of Americana was just burned because a sports star turned out to be something less than a deity. It’s a very open view of one’s stars and a poignant book on where sport, as a whole, has gone in the last forty years. Granted, the book is a little hard to get through with all of the teams and language that is used, but once you get into this book, you’ll love it. And, you might just find yourself tuning into the Fox Soccer Channel to pick up a match or two after you have a better grasp of what is the Greatest League In The World.
