Written By: Matt Duncan
Special to DivingIn2Memphis.com
"...the brown haired guy stated that he would give me $100 in United States currency to go out and get drunk every night Sunday through Thursday. I had to tip and I had to get drunk every night and I could not under any terms buy a single beer from my own money."
So I’m sitting at the bar, minding my own damn business when these two jackasses come storming in the joint like they're looking for more trouble than I’m willing to get into. They’re loud, actually make that obnoxiously loud and they apparently have been drinking for quite some time.
Either that, or this is their first go around at this rodeo. I give them one more look and decide that there is no way this is a first for these two. Now, and I want to make this very clear, I am not averse to trouble. I toe this line with amazing regularity. The evening in question though, I was in no mood whatsoever to listen to a couple of yahoos. As one could only expect in this situation, they sat down right next to me. Oh, the irony! While I normally do this sort of thing to other people, the one freaking night I wanted drunken silence was the one night Murphy’s Law was going to rise up and bite me square in the ass.
As the Jack Daniels flew down the hatches of these two sordid characters, they continued to “discuss” (at a very high decibel level I might add) baseball and music. At least they weren’t idiots, I thought to myself and was rewarded with a shot of whiskey making it’s way towards me as the blond haired one dropped his shot on the way to the mouth. Quality stuff. As I shot a less than amicable glance in their direction, the blond haired guy bought me a shot and apologized. I remarked something to the effect that there is nothing better than free liquor. That’s when I knew I was in trouble. Both of them had a gleam in their eye.
The brown haired guy looks at me and asks if I like to drink. I give him a look much the same as if someone asked Jenna Jameson if she liked sex. The two said they had a proposition for me. Immediately thoughts of Kingpin started flashing through my mind, you know the scene at the bar at the casino in Reno. Well, they explained they had a website coming out and they needed someone for a Memphis cheap booze hunt. The brown haired guy stated that he would give me $100 in United States currency to go out and get drunk every night Sunday through Thursday. I had to tip and I had to get drunk every night and I could not under any terms buy a single beer from my own money. Seeing as I had nothing else on my schedule for, say, the next six months, I was game. Hey, I’ll drink for free on a couple of dumbasses penny every night. “Sounds good”, I told them. This is what came out of the week, or rather this is what I remember coming out of the week.
Well, well, well, now I know why they gave this little fruitful job to yours truly. I also now realize why they were smiling when I agreed. This is freaking tough. First off, nobody advertises their specials. Second, nobody has decided that putting their specials on their websites is a good idea. This has led to me having to do actual research to find out where I’m going to get liquored up every night. I’m not searching for the Holy Grail there people, just a place to get a cheap drink. Alas. (note: all tabs Spent include tip- usually at a 20% rate)
Sunday night…
has long been my favorite drinking night. After a little Simpsons, I am a large fan of tying one on just so I can have that get it and go attitude at work on Monday. I don’t know, but maybe a touch of Homer has rubbed off. Seeing as I wasn’t working anyhow, I felt morally obliged to go out and get knock down drunk. These nights are always a ton of fun.
My first stop on the Magical Mystery Drinking Tour houses Memphis’ best patio. The Brookhaven Pub offers the bar standard of deals on Sunday- 2 for 1 domestics. And again, the patio is unparalled. The deck sits right next to the Clark Towers, which gives the patio a great breeze in even the most stagnate of Memphis eves. Add to the mix, the great service and enough televisions that you might start thinking you’re in a scene from Fahrenheit 451. My first Budweiser, as my friend Dave likes to say, seemed to have a hole in it. The second one had the same problem. By the fifth beer, we had the situation under control. A couple more cervecas and the obligatory shot of bourbon and we were on our way. ‘On to the bike!’ I shouted. On to the bike it was.
Spent: $18
Left: $82
On to Monday…
and the hangover was quite minimal. Unfortunately, I lost a shoe during the bike ride home from the night before. I’m not really sure how, but it happened. The only comment I have about Monday is how good is ‘The Price is Right?’ Bob Barker kills it everyday. I don’t know why I feel the need to tell people this, but I do.
Monday Afternoon rolled through with no problems and then there was the phone calls to various friends to see who, if any, I could hitch a ride with down to The Flying Saucer - Pint Nite at The Flying Saucer features the long standing traditions of $3 drafts and ‘You Call It.’ The difference with the Saucer and other bars is the beer selection. Actually, check that- the beer wall. In a room full of waitress’ in Catholic school girl outfits and real dartboards the motherload lay. Almost any beer you can think of is on the Saucers wall and they want to sell it to you for three bucks a pint. I’m game.
We, and I say we because I brought along my compadre Mottrock, strode into the bar and grabbed a table. Yes, that’s right, I kept myself out of the barstool for an entire evening.I don’t know if this violates any of the lengthy clauses in my ‘contract’, but hey- Catholic school girl outfits? I’m just a man. After a few beers that I cannot name primarily because I cannot pronounce them, Mottrock was, I think, in his happy place. I had a few more beers (six in all), the obligatory shot of bourbon and watched Mottrock start to count the number of taps on the wall. Sometimes they’re just easily entertained. After the tab was said and done, Mottrock dropped me (and himself on my couch) at the house.
Spent:$27
Left: $55
Tuesday Night…
Means that we need to go economical. Last nights antics were too good to quit watching and gave me untold fodder at CK’s this afternoon, but the cost was over the self-allotted 20 bucks a night. Due to the limited funds, we’re going back to the basics and that means the P&H Pub is on the very, very short list of this evenings winner list. And, by gosh, the P&H won! The P&H won for one reason- the $5 pitchers of Miller featured every evening at one of midtown’s most hollowed joints. A couple of personal pitchers and a shot later, I was off to bedtime. Actually, I was walking two blocks and crashing on a friends couch. The rest of the evening caused me to get up at noon.
Spent: $17
Left: $38
Wednesday Night…
it was off to an old favorite of mine, R.P. Tracks. Tracks is a great bar, a bar’s bar if there ever was one. I sat down at the bar and the barkeep immediately laid down the first of the $2 dollar Pabst Blue Ribbon’s that would be my date for the evening. One thing that I do love is good food at a bar and Tracks has some of the best in town. But, I am a paid drinker, alas. After a seven cans of the good stuff and a shot of Bourbon I was in my happy place. Anywho, I was of different mind and the night was a success.
Spent: $22
Left: $16
Thursday Night…
Came, very surprisingly, right after Wednesday. The day involved Tiger Woods Golf and laundry and I would have to say it was one of my more productive days of the past six weeks. After that tough day, I figured I owed myself a beer or two. I mean, it’s not every day so much goes on in one day. I packed up the bike and it was off to the Glass Onion.
The Onion, especially with it’s revamped menu, is a haven for drinkers and lookers alike. Personally, I like to look at drinkers so the Onion is right up my alley. But, with the limited funds I was sporting, the Onion presented a much needed $1.50 PBR’s in the bottle. After striking up one of those conversations that you think last three hours and really only lasts ten minutes, I had downed three of Milwaukee’s finest. Then, in a blaze of glory, I went through six more PBR’s while watching a meaningless baseball game like it was game 7 of the World Series- and it was on mute. The music was great, though so I can’t complain. Anyways, I was on my proverbial way and the wallet was empty. Good times, Good times.
Spent: $16
Left: $0
