Smokin' Aces
Director: Joe Carnahan
Stars: Jeremy Piven, Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta
Studio: Universal Pictures

Cancel your plans, drop that date because this should be the best action movie to come out since Casino Royale debuted last fall. Seeing as that’s not a very long time to surround that huge hype, Casino Royale was the best action movie made in a very long time. Smokin’ Aces is going to give it a run, though. Besides having a new twist on an already good plot, this movie has a great cast (besides the above mentioned- Ben Affleck, Jason Bateman, Common, Joseph Ruskin, Andy Garcia, Alex Rocco, Alicia Keys, Wayne Newton and Peter Berg). To the plotmoblie, Robin!

Yes, I am fairly well aware that everyone who has turned on a television set in the last two weeks has seen this trailer. I hope they don’t leave deleted scenes in the trailer as I’m going to know about it due to the fact that all of the sequences are now permanently burned into my brain. Regardless, Aces revolves around a drug addled, paranoid magician that holds a lot of, well, family secrets. As he’s about to turn state’s evidence, the family doesn’t want him ratting out all of their best kept secrets. So, between the FBI agents that are trying to bring him in and the million-dollar bounty put on his head, there are a lot of people looking for this gentleman. Add in the fact that he’s holed himself up in a Lake Tahoe casino that is about to become one of the largest Contract Killer’s Conventions this world has known and I’m looking for fun. One other note about this film is the costumes, hairstyles and weapons look really cool. (And yes, I did just channel my inner twelve year old to write that last sentence.)

Blood and Chocolate
Director: Katja von Garnier
Stars: Agnes Bruckner, Hugh Dancy, Olivier Martinez
Studio: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM)

For, like, the second time since I’ve been writing this little movie love-in, I had to erase an entire preview because even I thought it was a little harsh. So, like Spaceballs, I’m going for the short, short version. On one hand, I have seen the trailers for this movie. On the other hand, that gives absolutely no discernable idea what this movie is trying to do. I’ll give you what I know, which is there will be werewolves and love. I don’t know in which order but I do know it’s going to be the always forbidden werewolf-human relationship, which really hasn’t been successful since Little Red Riding Hood and that hairy-ass Grandmother of hers. But, given time, it could work. Go see this movie if you have a rather unhealthy addiction to all things Charmed.

Catch and Release
Director: Susannah Grant
Stars: Jennifer Garner, Timothy Olyphant, Juliette Lewis
Studio: Columbia Pictures

Just going on the title and catch line alone, shouldn’t this be a Jennifer Lopez movie? The premise smacks of another J-Lo ‘I’m poor and I need to find a man’ kind of film. In her stead, Ms. Alias decided to get back on the big screen with this unremarkable film. Not to say Garner isn’t diverse, but when was the last time you thought of her as anything other than agent Sidney Bristow? (Oh, sorry, am I bringing up suppressed memories of that Big remake, 13 going on 30, she did a year or so ago?)

I hope all of you reading this are seated, because this plot is going to take a lot of brain space up. The leading lady is mourning her husband’s death when she decides to go looking for a few pieces of information that may explain some facts about their marriage and stumbles across a few secrets from the past. And then she turns out to be a double-agent (just kidding, but I know you were hoping)! No, she then finds love in the most mysterious place, with the man she thought she could never love. My keyboard just got all teary-eyed with that last sentence. I must know shut down my computer. Oh, and just so you weren’t left out in the dark, Kevin Smith’s career was officially shot dead when he agreed to do this flick. You can send your condolences to Jay and the rest of the Clerks crew via their website.

Epic Movie
Director: Jason Friedberg Aaron Seltzer
Stars: Kal Penn, Jennifer Coolidge, Fred Willard
Studio: Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation

If J-Lo should have been in the last movie, shouldn’t National Lampoon’s be doing this one? Seriously, if they can bring you such cinematic masterpieces as Van Wilder and The Rise of Taj, can’t we at least streamline the crap and make it come out of one movie house. Apparently not. But, in NL’s place, the wonderful people at Fox Pictures decided they would be the one’s with the shovel this go-round. And yes, I thought, for the most part, that the Scary Movie series was done both well and funny, but you have to have certain elements to make a movie like this fly. For example, Airplane was a quasi-spoof that worked so well because Leslie Neilson was the darkest actor on the stage and was rumored to be almost depressing just to be in his presence. Then, out of nowhere, he’s cracking great wry jokes. Ditto for Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar, who is said to smile once a year whether he’s contractually obligated to or not.

Plot? What plot? We don’t need no stinkin’ plot! What we will do is make fun of as many new classics (sorry TNT) as we possibly can while only minorly pulling the whole thing together. There will be Harry Potter humor, the Legend of Narnia will be skewered and Pirates of the Caribbean will have a large role in the film. I guess if you can meld Pirates, Wizards and talking lions into one movie, go right ahead and do it. On second thought, maybe not.